Public Service Announcement

Gentle readers, may I have your attention please……

It has come to my attention (again), that some of you are confused as to the function of the toilet that resides in your bathroom. Allow me to clear things up for you.

There are three things that belong in your toilet:

Something you ate

Something you drank

Toilet paper

Only those three things. Not things like:

adult or baby wipes (I don’t care if they say they are flushable-THEY DAMN SURE ARE NOT).

condoms

tampons or maxi/mini pads

diapers

socks

remote controls

underwear

pillowcases

green army men

play-doh

dirt

old food

jewelry (why do you always call ME to get it out?)

dentures

toothbrushes

pill bottles

sheets (how in the HELL did you flush that?)

cat litter (nope, not flushable, don’t care what they say)

cooking oil/grease (this really gums up the works)

papers of any kind besides the above mentioned toilet paper

hairbrushes

other things I have forgotten about

Yes, every last one of those items have been encountered in my quest to transform a blocked toilet into a turd-be-gone. Some were flushed by children, a determined three year old can flush some truly amazing things. Others, obviously flushed by adults….condoms, feminine hygiene products, diapers, adult/baby wipes. Those damned wipes are the bane of sewage systems everywhere. No matter how many times I tell people, they have the nerve to act surprised when their toilet is blocked yet again by a seething mass of adult wipes mixed with raw sewage. I don’t give a flying shit if the box says they can be flushed. They may go down, but they do NOT go away. At some point you will need the services of someone like me to get them out of the line, you just better hope I can do it without actually dismantling things. So, repeat after me:

If I didn’t eat it or drink it, and it’s not toilet paper…..I WILL NOT FLUSH IT.

Thank you for your time.

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